I Pay These People
by ConfusedColumbia26220
Summary: Regina catches a segment of Good Morning Storybrooke and now she can't stop laughing at certain citizens. Oneshot.


"_Good morning, Storybrooke!"_

Regina rolled her eyes. Of course Henry had left the television on when he left for school. She went to the living room to turn it off, but when she got there someone onscreen caught her eye. "Dr. Whale?" Her eyebrows shot up on her forehead and she dropped her coffee. Luckily it was in a thermos so it didn't spill. Instead of reaching for the remote or to pick up her fallen coffee, she plopped down on the couch.

_"…We're gonna start off this half hour with some good news. Medical examiner has determined that the deer killed in a recent roadway collision is not beloved folk hero Bambi."_

Regina simultaneously snorted while dropping her head into her heads. "I pay these people, don't I?" she muttered. "I really need to start reading budget proposals." She peeked out from behind her hands.

_"Give a clap for our own fairy crafts mother, Nova."_

"Nova?" Regina laughed out. "The fairy nun of all people is on my TV."

_"I guess you're having none of the old look."_

"Yes, I'm out of the habit."

"Oh my god. Was that scripted? Those were terrible puns." Regina shook her head. How was she only just now seeing this? Of course never watching television might have had something to do with that. Well, never watching television after the '90s when all the good shows ended.

_"…And I am confident that everyone who had their hands turned into feet will be good as new."_

Well that explained that oddity, then. The work of an amateur with gullible believers.

_"…So come on out here, winner, and we are going to show everyone how to fold fitted sheets."_

"Yes, because everyone just magically forgot how to do their laundry. Do go on, dear. Show us how it takes _two _people to do a one person job."

None other than Grumpy appeared onscreen. Regina's jaw dropped to the floor. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him not being a staggering drunk. He almost appeared normal. _"Hey."_

"Dreamy."

Regina gasped. "No way!" Was this an example of a totally unintentionally destroyed couple of True Love? They certainly had that vibe.

_"You won the contest?"_

"Well I entered 611 times."

"That's not legal!" Regina didn't quite care no one could hear her.

Her theory was proved right when a handful of seconds later they kissed.

"Ew, cut to commercial."

And then Grumpy got rejected and Regina cackled with glee. She had absolutely no part in that but she was still able to reap the rewards.

When it cut to a Granny's commercial that was really poorly shot and executed, Regina could have kicked herself for jinxing it. "I take it back. End the commercial!" It was quite a feat for something to cause her embarrassment, and it was an even bigger feat if the embarrassment was _for _someone. But Red…Red looked like a clown with a bad dose of botox and her rambling monologue rivaled that of an auctioneer.

_"Just look at those sausages!"_

"You look even more like a hooker than usual and now you're talking about sausages. That's a really bad euphemism." Regina shook her head. "And stop flailing your arms like an idiot, good lord! We know there's a crappily organized slideshow behind you. This commercial isn't even necessary because Granny's has no competition, for the diner or the hotel! Just wolf out. Wolf out and eat whoever's idea making this was. I'll make sure you're not arrested for it."

_"Oh, Doctor! What do you prescribe?"_

"And back to Whale."

_"Thanks Hart and Goldie. It's time for Bedside Manners, where the 'MB' stands for mmmmb, darlin'."_

"That doesn't make any sense, sleazeball."

_"Let's see what's in the mail bag today. Our first letter comes from Jill. Jill writes, 'Dear Doctor, Will my best guy friend ever notice me? We hang out all the time, climbing hills, fetching pails, and it's awesome, but I want more.' Jill, with a little heart on the 'i'. She's cute. Ah, so, Jill, you are in what we call the friendzone, and you need a game changer so… I'd head down to Mr. Gold's shop and pick out a nice little gift. A pretty little box, or something, and have Mr. Gold rip out your heart, and put it in said box. Give the box to Jack. It's called, uh, a living valentine. Trust me, he will notice you."_

"You are an idiot and I should fire you. God, no wonder Snow slept with you. You're just like Charming only I made the mistake of giving you the medical career and putting him in the coma."

More letters, than a really amusing commercial for Gold's shop.

Blah blah blah, something about happy endings, _"…Belle."_

"Thank you, I'm just so happy to be here with you talking about books again."

"Now these aren't books from Fairytale Land, this is the entire corpus of Western literature. How are you tackling all that?"

"All at once, basically. I have read half of everything. Like this one, Anna Karina. She's an… She's an adventurous soul and she falls for a dashing Count. I think she's on track for a happy ending."

"On track, right, because she throws herself in front of a train… You didn't know that."

"What about this one? Romeo and Juliet. Young love never fails."

"You tell me that to my face." Regina glowered at the screen.

_"It can…because of poison…they die, girl."_

After about a minute and a half, it was over. Regina shook her head and turned the screen off, retrieved her fallen coffee, and then finished getting ready to leave for work. Lo and behold, on her way, she ran into _everyone _she'd just saw on television.

Regina smirked as she passed Red.

"What?" Red snapped at her.

"Oh, nothing… 'Just look at those sausages!'" Regina mocked perkily, splaying her arms out as she spun in a little circle. "Nice commercial, Red. Don't quit your day job."

"Oh my god," Red's skin practically turned the shade of her name as she distanced herself as far from Regina as possible.

Regina laughed merrily, practically skipping on her way.

Whale was the next unfortunate victim.

"You give horrible dating advice."

"Excuse me?" Whale asked, confused.

With little warning, Regina plunged her hand into his chest, tearing his heart out. "Here, put this in a pretty little box. Give it to one of the million women you insist upon hitting on. It's a living valentine. Trust me, she will notice you." She shoved his heart back inside him and continued along her way. "Idiot," she scoffed with a snicker.

Gold was coming her way on the sidewalk, using his cane for leverage.

Regina said nothing until he was passing so closely by she could lean into him if she so chose and throw off his balance in the process. Alas, all she did was quote, "'Free parking with validation', 'muffins', 'mummified bodies of all the frogs you've ever kissed'." And she continued on her way without so much as a glance to gage his expression.

When she came across Grumpy, he was his usual drunk self.

"Aww, the little fairy tore your heart out!" She pinched his cheeks, giving his head a little shake and talking to him like a dog. "Yes she did. Yes she did." She gave him a pat on the head before pushing him away and laughing as he just fell to the cement floor with a thud. "Deadweight."

"Ah, Nova! Back in your habit, I see."

"Um, what?" The petite little fairy nun looked confused.

"I was thinking you may have a spell that would be of use for me."

"And what exactly is that?" Nova's tone was just the slightest bit defensive.

"I believe the desired affect is turning hands into feet."

Nova colored darkly. "You're mean." She ran off in the opposite direction.

Regina giggled, an actual little girl giggle. She crossed the last few blocks to her office with a ridiculous grin on her face. For once, she didn't plan to reprimand Henry for something so trivial as leaving without turning off the television.


End file.
